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Sunday, June 13, 2004
Mmmm interesting title for the day huh... haha... i think only christian will understand that title... well as the title suggest today's would be lots of recalling, personal thoughts, the mistakes... and the spiritual... well for non christian, somethings might be quite foreign, but its alrite...
Now now... the past 1 month plus has been such an eventful one.. the ups, the downs, many things happened to me, and surely i grown alot from it... But what beats the blessings that God had blessed me... Lets start with something nice before the more depressing and heavy ones...
My first entrance into JJ, my ogls, and comes a councillor... one cute guy with a yellow tie... nothing special at first... well at least i thought then... He didnt talk, but my family head just introduced him... who would expect, just months later, i get to know him... in person, not just, any mere introduction... thats when i became a shadow... orientation camp was fun... we busy, we work, we have fun... Mmm but is that alll... Mmm nope... something is going on... we got closer and closer... well thats at least for me... then just after the camp... this councillor actually became my brother... and he is none other than the angelic cat, Silvester... well... just after the camp, we're still rather strange to each other... we are always at the surface... but it all changed as i slowly moved into my new phase of my life... i am going for councillorship.. well, haha at first, its all warning, warning about why shldnt i join council... well at least till now i havent really regreted my decision so... but yes... then we started to talk more... but ever since the incident with my princess, we really got bonded closer and closer... i am sure this time both of us have moved deeper, yet without much say, i moved more deeper, he is close, yet still far... it can be seen in our conversation... of course at times, lets just be truthful, i do hope my brother could love and care for me more, but, i try my best to be contented with whatever i have... i mean he has a girlfriend, its quite normal that his attention is with her... thats really no doubt... thus, i didnt really expect him to around the clock must attend to me... but certainly there are times i really hope he could just do nothing, but just love.. especially the period of dryness which i just been through... great that he felt sympathetic for me.. great that he sympathise with me... yet, i would rather he just love me, than show me sympathy... at that time i need love and care more than sympathy, well, i think he didnt really sense that... and i think alrite, quite fine... he is naturally quite a cool guy...but he really did gave very nice and great counselling though haha... i still can remember what he said... however on the whole, he is a great brother, perhaps just some flaws here and there, but still a great blessing... i am greatly, ultra-ly, supreme-ly, blessed to have this brother... this brother whom i love so much... and till this day i still can be proud to say, i didnt love this brother in vain... i didnt love him for nothing... the greatest investment is in loving him though... and i will continue loving him, even if he starts to turn colder and colder towards me...
well, i have like princess for at least 2 months now... it was a long one, not because of the time, but the encounter... well... Mmmm... i did have many great time with her, we play, we joke, we worked together, and really have great time together... yet with all the great joys, the pain is unavoidable, i am slowly growing attach to her... but though a princess, she's not mine... though a princess, yet not of my empire, she has a boyfriend.... where then does the king of camelot stand... no where, i shld say... pathetic, but true... sad truth of life... i have to bear the kind of pain that though all the joyous experiences, there will come a day where i wld have to say goodbye... worse of all, people around me are also pressurising me... the thing about them is not that they tease me, but that the words, "cant" and "wldnt" that upsets me... always will i put a brave front... after all life is just a show... strong i look, but everytime they say "you will never be with her...", "Dawn only wants raymond... ".. i tell you.. its like taking a sword, pierce it into my heart, pull out the sword and let me bleed... serious... i am sad enough... but people are rubbing on... i do my work yet with pain, with distractions... distraction not of lust, but of thoughts of negativity... of impossibility... i am tormented... i gave up... i fall into the trap of impossible.. i anger, i grudge, i fire... i blast... even to my dear princess whom i love so dearly, i erupted... the thought of her attached really upsets me... i grudged why had you my God done this to me??? Hadnt i once been faithful and obedient, but why had You let this onto me???
The more i grudge, the more fuzzy it is... the sound of the devil... the pestering voice, the loud deafening thunder of darkness... i just shouted, where are You when i most need You??? where??? You said you are God, but are You sure??? Didnt You hear my cries... and out came one loud and Holy voice... the one i reckon the rhema from the Lord... "PRAY! I M HERE!"... that alone silenced everything... everything gone into a standstill... and next i was on my knees, as i was in pastoral prayer... and pray... i asked for forgiveness and mercy for my sin of rebellious... and once after aeons... i have a spiritual encounter with Jesus.. well, He lightened me... show me the time He was there yet i was too blinded and deafen to notice... The blessing of my dear brother.. He showed me, that silvest was by no means an accident or coincidence.. He had planned it... He had prepared it... and i weeped... how rebellious i was... God even questioned, what was the mission He gave me once... where has it gone??? i couldnt answer... He also showed me that even as i moved away from Him into the world, His blood still covers me, protecting me... and waiting for me to return to Him anytime... I m still the lamb He redeemed... AMEN! and i questioned... is there by any chance i may be with princess??? yet He kept silence... and after my prayer the first to appear in my mind is my kor, my brother... silvester... i thought of him... i missed him... i thought of the great times we had... and the security i feel in his presence... the warmth i felt in his arms, in his hug... and i just say... praise God!
Remembering On|6/13/2004 11:18:00 PM|
The book of ... Kings??? Chronicles???
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