|
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Hmmm... well, well... as i was browsing through the blogs, something caught my eyes... and i pondered on it for a moment... Mmm... seriously one should never sin, once you are stained with sin, you are stained with sin... Though in Christ you're cleansed, but sometimes i really think the only time its really cleansed is when we all are in our glorified self... somethings which i done long ago, well, it juz return to haunt me... yes back then i agree, i was an arrogant brat... successful, influential... but still a proud arrogant brat... i think the one thing that really can be praised bout me is juz how i play with politics and how impartial i am... so impartial that i gave no face nor mercy... so is that gd... Mmmmm.... i wonder... but i guess whatever it is, it had more or less molded me to become who i am today... well, yes even back then my studies isnt that bad... and i associated alot with people whom i back then was known as " same standard"... moreover i was very much a loner... i juz dont like crowds... when i started to move out of it, its still part of me of course, i mean who can change overnight... i do not very much know how to communicate with other... back then people told me perhaps go down to their level... Mmm easy to say, hard to do it... you will understand wat i meant if u ever were in such situation... hearing this how horrible aint i??? Thats once me... especially when i was in sec 1... but as i grow, well, when coming to the end of my first year... Somewhat somehow... i grown... Then i realised how cold i was... so much for "social class" its time to walk out of it... I think it have to do with vision... i got a desire which suddenly juz burns in me... That is to have passion for people... To my juniors i tried to be more patient, and more understanding, but still i am who i am.. though not completely but theres still these spots that juz wouldnt wear out... but truthfully, i wasnt very used to it... normally, i need not repeat myself... but this time i had to... i am sure the few juniors who worked with me almost day to nite everydae will understand... it pays for me to repeat... wow... but in this time, yes i am quite harsh to some of them... but at the end of the day, they learn discipline and those who are around me, they learn quite abit too... i think that is one thing i am proud of as a leader back then... at least these lessons are still in my juniors till this day... i am very happy for them, but i also caution them to use the skills and lessons well, and not to walk in my footstep... the skills and lessons are good pure and precious its how we apply it that makes it evil... anyway... then i met this girl.. 2 years younger than me... well, a very nice gal... haha i am seeing some eyes looking like as if i like her... guys, nope, i dun really go for gals younger or older than me... well, she is rather weak in science... chemical equations... well... yup, one dae she have problems with it... as a gd senior, alrite, i help... then i taught her... she still dont understnad... nvm, again i repeated... and again... by the 4th time, i juz made this to me back then casual remark, which changed everything... till todae i can still remember it all.. i juz told her... " ... my my... why are u so stupid... come on focus..." apparently it blurt out... to me i dont feel much, but it hurt her... and from then things changed... a friendship was broken... then some others whom i have offended start coming to me too... i just felt like shutting myself from the world... bur still i stood still... many things are still standing cause i stand... i cant be that selfish and irresponsible to juz let everything, everybody fall... but i realise how much the friendship with that gal meant to me... i tried to hold on tighter and tighter but it juz slipped... its like i gripping sand in my hand... but from this, i learnt not to use some words... and arrogance really has to go... however... theres this peer who i didnt even know i did hurt... but still i did, and this peer to this day, i must say, she still holds it to heart... i can see it... most of the rest have forgiven me... my juniors have understood why i did somethings and in fact i am thankful i had did those cause, todae many of them under such harsh condition have grown independence and is able to stand till todae... blessed are they, Thank God! but i guess till this day,this peer of mine, she still find that i sux, and yup, i do... i will always do, till the day u make me not...
but all those are my history... somethings i didnt want to drag up, but then it juz came, and i thought well, whats there to hide, i really was once that, face it... but i am glad, being in JJ all these months... well, i hope i have changed... and certainly the one thing that really had, is that i learnt wats loving someone... i am no longer as cold as i used to be... i am trying to be more encouraging, but i know at times, i discourage more than i encourage... really sorry bout that... I once used to be naggy to my juniors haha till this day i am still the same haha... but the difference is i am naggy with more love and more concern for them... no longer for prestige... power, prestige.. all these which i once treasured... now became nothing but juz one that is being step on the ground... i started to take pride in the success of others... seeing the joy, seeing the excellence in them, is all that brings joy to my heart... I was actually quite hesitant when i first thought of helping bro yihao and weijie in their studies, i treasure them alot and i love my bros alot... i dont want history to repeat itself... but i juz wasnt confident of teaching... but i still did somehow... thats y actually i agree with apple, i am indeed not patient enough... but i will work on that... i still dont reckon myself anywhere near teacher... still far from it... i am still quite fidgety when come to interacting with people, coz i really do have the fear that i may hurt them... especially the few whom i really cared and love for.... a mere 6 years... so much changes... from an arrogant brat to what i am todae... power and prestige have lost their strength... but love and peace have brought me light... and with that... The prince's heart is filled with content...
Remembering On|10/02/2004 07:34:00 PM|
|